Imperial by Lazuli Kat

 

 



SPIKE:
You took your time.

XANDER:
And a Merry Christmas to you too, Mr Grumpy-pants.

SPIKE:
Grumpy pants is right considering the present state of the contents.
  I've been freezing my balls off-
Is that pink you're wearing?  Fluffy pink?

XANDER:
It's just a muffler.
  Dawn insisted, 'cause of the cold.

SPIKE:
The cold, huh?

XANDER:
The cold, yeah, no 'huh' about it.

SPIKE:
Isn't it a bit...girly, even for you?

XANDER:
It's classy, It's angora, It's-
Whadda you mean?
  Even for me?

SPIKE:
Put it this way: didn't need a spell from Red to confirm what I already knew.

XANDER:
Willow didn't...
...
What's that look for?

SPIKE:
What, this look?
  You imagined it.

XANDER:
O...kay.
  No look - asshole - and no spells.  Willow wouldn't do that, even if I...

SPIKE:
Outright
demanded it?  Let's face it, mate, you're gayed up.

XANDER:
I-
  She-  You-

SPIKE:
You going to stop that any time soon?
  It's like being staccatoed to death.

XANDER:
Listen to me.
  A pink fluffy muffler is no indication...

SPIKE:
Closest you'll ever get to a muff again.

XANDER:
That's it.
  I'm going.  Freeze your ass off, see if I care.

SPIKE:
Oh, don't be so precious.

XANDER:
There you go again!

SPIKE:
I'm just winding you up.
  Red didn't cast that spell, you're as one-hundred percent big, butch, straight, manly beefcake as you ever were.

XANDER:
You better believe it.
...
Was that a
snort?  Did you snort?

SPIKE:
That's me trying to clear frozen pipes.
  Have you any idea of how long I've been stuck here on surveillance?  Long enough to have bloody-well iced over.

XANDER:
You want to borrow thi-
Hey, less of the demonic glare!
  Forget I offered.
Although...pink would suit you.
  Just saying.

SPIKE:
I am, in no way,
pink.

XANDER:
That's not what Buffy said.

SPIKE:
What?

XANDER:
Nothing.

SPIKE:
Better be.

XANDER:
So...
  How long?

SPIKE:
Imperial or metric?

XANDER:
No, I meant how long have you been-
Imperial or...?

SPIKE:
Inches or centimetres.

XANDER:
Uh...
  Well, I guess...  No!  How long have you been here?  I was just asking how-
You'd tell me?

SPIKE:
If you wanted to know.

XANDER:
But I don't.
  I really don't.
...
Inches?

SPIKE:
You seem the type.

XANDER:
Type?

SPIKE:
Who'd want to...take it in inches.

XANDER:
Hey, no-one said anything about
taking anything in inches.

SPIKE:
My mistake.
  No harm, no foul, and all that jovial, lily-livered bollocks.

XANDER:
I don't do taking, okay?
  We established that.

SPIKE:
don't, eh?
  Ever?  'Cause...

XANDER:
'Cause what?

SPIKE:
'S perfectly natural.

XANDER:
No.

SPIKE:
Yes.

XANDER:
No.
  No way.  Nuh-uh.
...
You think?

SPIKE:
Believe me, I know.
  Two words for you: Angelus.

XANDER:
That's one word.

SPIKE:
Two, but censored due to your delicate sensibilities.

XANDER:
Angel?  Really?  Damn, I wish I'd known.

SPIKE:
Why?

XANDER:
Why?  Why?  Oh, I...not that I...um, well...y'know.  Buffy.  Or...something.

SPIKE:
A concise and utterly convincing argument.

XANDER:
Right.
  That's right.  So...Angel.   And...and...and...  Yes, perfectly naturally, like all guys, I've wondered -butneverdone.  Never, never
done.

SPIKE:
Then, you don't...

XANDER:
Or not so much don't as Haven't.
  Wanted.  Haven't wanted.  'Kay?  Established.
...
You, er...ever...want?

SPIKE:
I
always want.

XANDER:
Always?
  Always and...?

SPIKE:
Whoever.

XANDER:
Who...uh...who-
  But...not me, I guess.

SPIKE:
Why not you?

XANDER:
Me would be essentially...
me.

SPIKE:
Fair enough, Can't argue with that - at least, not without a lobotomy.
Not you in particular, but...

XANDER:
Me?  Really?  Wow!  I mean...  No way.  Grr.  No.

SPIKE:
Suit yourself.

XANDER:
Me?
  Wow.

SPIKE:
You...or just about anyone.
  In the right mood I'm an equal opportunities shagger.

XANDER:
Spike!
  Who said anything about-
...
Hey.
  y'know the inches thing?

SPIKE:
Imperial or metric?

XANDER:
I, um...inches.

SPIKE:
We'd established the inches.

XANDER:
We'd established the measure, but not the, uh, measurement.

SPIKE:
You naughty little alleged non-bugger.

XANDER:
Can't help being curious after everything I've heard.
  doesn't mean...

SPIKE:
...

XANDER:
don't.
  Pull.  That.  Face.

SPIKE:
This face?
  This face is whimsically surprised.

XANDER:
That face is neener-neener-gotcha, wanker!
And why doesn't it sound right when I say that?

SPIKE:
What, wanker?
  Wanker, wanker, wanker.

XANDER:
Fuck off.
  I can't believe I-  I'll send someone else to take over from you.  y'know, in three or four days, other side of this weather.

SPIKE:
I'm only teasing, you dolt.
  c'mere.  Come on, c'mere.  I'll...whisper.

XANDER:
you'll-
  Oh God, how did I get myself into this?

SPIKE:
Closer.  I can't whisper with you all the way over there.

XANDER:
We're the only people for miles arou-
  Nyah!  Get your tongue out of my...
...
Wha-
  How many?

SPIKE:
Again?
  C'mon, closer.

XANDER:
Nyah!
  Tongue!  Vampire tongue!
...
Unholy moly!
  That's what I thought you said.
...
You, er...
  Seriously?  Does that come in instalments?

SPIKE:
That comes any way you like.
  Any way, as often...

XANDER:
'Cause, having never...

SPIKE:
Or at least not yet...

XANDER:
Not that I would.  Besides the perfectly natural curiosity, and...and...
Your...measurement.
  That seems...  Excessive.  Anyone ever tell you 'smug' isnít attractive.  NotthatI'musuallyattractedyouunderstand.

SPIKE:
So,
Harris, why did you come?

XANDER:
No, It's just the way I'm standing.

SPIKE:
Here?

XANDER:
Oh!
  Come.  Here.  You know why.  Because of the bad guy observing.

SPIKE:
I see, checking up on me checking up on him.
  Typical of you, always checking me out.

XANDER:
I was not checking you out!

SPIKE:
Yeah, right,
this time.

XANDER:
I assumed you'd need to be relieved, and...

SPIKE:
Thought you'd never offer.
  Here...

XANDER:
Nyah!

SPIKE:
Just teasing.
  See?  The beast is well and truly asleep.

XANDER:
Nyah!

SPIKE:
Wanker.
  Wanker, wanker, wanker.

XANDER:
Will you stop that!
  I don't want to think about you...you...

SPIKE:
Wanking?
  Pervert!

XANDER:
I KNOW!
...
Hey, d'you think Willow could've cast that spell?
  'Cause she had to know I was just ranting.

SPIKE:
You think?
  Many a true word spoken in rant.

XANDER:
She wouldn't.
  Would she?

SPIKE:
Maybe she would, maybe she wouldn't.
  Maybe she did, maybe she didn't.

XANDER:
Thanks, pal, your comfort and wisdom knows no beginning.

SPIKE:
What suddenly makes you think she has?

XANDER:
Isn't this stupid conversation enough?
  I don't want to be believe it but...being around you right now, and feeling...  Probably 'Cause you're the only guy I see on a regular basis, has to be that, because you're in no way buff and gorgeous and totally, totally hot, but...  Y'know.

SPIKE:
I think I know now, well enough.

XANDER:
You're
convenient, not the stuff scary, sweaty, fabulously horny dreams are made of.

SPIKE:
Okay.
  Taking into consideration the fact I'm not buff, gorgeous, totally hot and fabulously horny...  What about Rupert?  He's even more convenient than me.

XANDER:
Giles?  Giles is not a guy.

SPIKE:
Thank you!  I've suspected that for a long time.

XANDER:
No, I mean, guy, yes, but
guy, no.

SPIKE:
You mean...fixating on Rupert would be like having a wank in your comfort blanket.

XANDER:
Yes.
  No!  And...ewwww.  Ewwww, Spike!  And I repeat: ewwww!

SPIKE:
I only meant...

XANDER:
No, no more talking.
  Talking with evil guy proved to be unsurprisingly evil.  Enough!

...

SPIKE:
Moonlight suits you.

XANDER:
Shut up.

SPIKE:
So's mine, must be the cold.

...

XANDER:
How can moonlight
suit anybody?  Stupid vampire with your stupid...
What?
  What's that look for?

SPIKE:
Just looking.

XANDER:
Then
don't.

SPIKE:
Fair enough.

XANDER:
Oh,
sure.

SPIKE:
No, really, Xander.  Haven't you heard?  Nowadays, I'm every inch a gentleman

XANDER:
Nyah!

...

XANDER:
Damn, It's cold.
  How long have you been here?

SPIKE:
Long enough.

XANDER:
And...?

SPIKE:
Nothing interesting.
Or rather, not until you showed up and started talking dirty, getting me all...

XANDER:
I was not talking dirty!

SPIKE:
What do you call it when a bloke starts asking for your imperial measurement?

XANDER:
Frat party?

SPIKE:
And without any exchange of information.  Very bad manners.

XANDER:
Exchange?

SPIKE:
Imperial or metric.

XANDER:
Me?

SPIKE:
Want to bring that down an octave?
  Before you set off all the dogs in the neighbourhood.

XANDER:
Just concentrating on...on...being bad mannered here.

SPIKE:
Make it a thrill, give it to me in yards.

XANDER:
Nonono.
 No giving it to the not buff, gorgeous, totally hot, fabulously horny vampire.  No giving in any sense, and no telling.  Watching, not telling.  Do the watching.

SPIKE:
I get to watch?
  Even better.  I could even give you a ha-

XANDER:
Nuh-uh!
  Bad guy, watch the bad guy.

SPIKE:
Why?
  Is he hung?

XANDER:
!!!

SPIKE:
???

XANDER:
Have we been hexed?
  Or drugged?  Or band candied?

SPIKE:
Why?

XANDER:
We -
we being you and I - do not have this conversation ever.  We will never discuss imperial measurements, we will never talk about the appeal of the not-opposite gender, and as for dragging moonlight into it...

SPIKE:
It suits you.

XANDER:
How?  If I can't carry off a muffler, surely a whole fucking moon is way beyond me.

SPIKE:
It makes your skin pale and alluring.
 It makes your eyes look huge, black and, paradoxically, both purely innocent and erotically evil.  Turns your hair to silk and...

XANDER:
And...?
  Spike, and...?

SPIKE:
You don't want to know.

XANDER:
I do, I so do.

SPIKE:
Can't help thinking what it would be like to wind my fingers in that silk while I...
c'mere.
  I'll whisper.
...
How's that?

XANDER:
Guhuhuhu.

SPIKE:
From this angle, I'd say your imperial measurement just became a little more respectable.

XANDER:
Jacket.
  Nuh.  Pants.  Pants...fit...bad.

SPIKE:
Wipe your chin, you're drooling.

XANDER:
Guhuhuhu.

SPIKE:
If we could manage without you freezing to death, we'd make the most of this moon and give it a hell of a show.
  Something very sensual about shagging in the moonlight.  Like there's a connection from the heavens to the Earth, through our bodies.  Primal and...
Would you listen to this.
  Dru really did a number on me, eh?

XANDER:
Oh...yeah.
  But...moon and silk and connections and...inches.  Lots and lots of inches.

SPIKE:
You only have to ask nicely.

XANDER:
Bastard.

SPIKE:
That'll do.
  Yours or mine?

XANDER:
Uh...no...
no!  No!  Yes!  No!  Mine?

SPIKE:
And you could show me your Christmas tree, and the decorations, and maybe I could explain how we celebrated when I was alive.
  I still remember the traditional recipes, you'd love them.  Proper Christmas pud, silver sixpences, burning brandy...

XANDER:
Wha...?

SPIKE:
And Snowballs.
  Dru loved them in the seventies, made with Advocaat, ever had them?

XANDER:
Have you gone crazy?
  Again?

SPIKE:
Sorry, pet?

XANDER:
We were talking about...

SPIKE:
Turkeys and
stuffing.  Very, very good stuffing.

XANDER:
Is there a reason you're talking seasonal bullshit, and looking so damned innocent?

SPIKE:
Can't think of one.
  Although...
Did I mention the slayer's only about twelve feet behind you and closing fast?

XANDER:
Gah!

...

SPIKE:
That went well.

XANDER:
Not sure the guy we were watching would agree.

SPIKE:
Oh, I d'know, his innards looked very colourful hanging from that tree.
  Didn't think he'd explode like that, but...nice of him to put on a show for Christmas.

XANDER:
Shame about the muffler.

SPIKE:
The Slayer needed his liver.

XANDER:
She could've brought
a bag to carry it in.

SPIKE:
The Bit will understand.
  Nothing says thanks for the loan like still-warm offal.

XANDER:
So...
...
Spike.
...
This is in no way awkward.

SPIKE:
I thought we'd decided: back to yours.

XANDER:
Oh.
  Oh.  You still want to...er...celebrate?

SPIKE:
Got a tree?

XANDER:
No.

SPIKE:
Decorations?

XANDER:
No.

SPIKE:
Turkey?

XANDER:
No.

SPIKE:
Pudding?

XANDER:
No.

SPIKE:
Pressies?

XANDER:
No.

SPIKE:
Mistletoe?

XANDER:
Umm...
  No.

SPIKE:
You certainly planned for this.

XANDER:
Christmas is at Buffy's.  Wanker.

SPIKE:
Lube?

XANDER:
Coincidentally...yes.

SPIKE:
In which case, your place sounds perfect.

XANDER:
It does?

SPIKE:
Can we open a window and let the moonlight in?

XANDER:
Sure.
  I can turn up the heat.

SPIKE:
I bet you can.

XANDER:
Before we go any further...

SPIKE:
Ground rules?
  don't worry, I know: no telling the friends, no staying over...

XANDER:
Before we go any further...
XXXXX
And if it works out...
  Are we looking for something that works out?

SPIKE:
Why not?
  We've got it wrong with everyone else in this God-forsaken place, law of averages says we shouldn't entirely bollocks this up.

XANDER:
That...isn't as doom-laden as it first appears.
  Good work, Mr Grumpy-pants.

SPIKE:
Cheers, wanker.

XANDER:
And thank you, Willow.

SPIKE:
There's no spell, Xander.
  No excuse other than me being buff, gorgeous, totally hot and fabulously horny.

XANDER:
No spell?
  Even better.
XXXXX
So, as I was saying, if it works out...
  Tell the friends; stay over.

SPIKE:
And why shouldn't it work out.

XANDER:
I'm a stupid human, you're a stupid vamp, and we're both bigots?

SPIKE:
That was a rhetorical question.

XANDER:
Yes, but other than that?

SPIKE:
Good answer.
XXXXX

XANDER:
Y'know, What's happening here may be weird, unexpected and potentially suicidal, but...I think I just might,
completely by chance, have the coolest gift for you at my apartment.

SPIKE:
Imperial or metric?

XANDER:
The choice is yours.
  See, I may be lacking the turkey, the tree, and the whole Yuletide shebang...  But I'm pretty damn sure I have a ruler.

 

"What do you think happened?  Another demon woman was attracted to me.  I'm going gay.
I've decided I'm turning gay.
 Willow, gay me up.  Come on, let's gay."

Xander Harris ~ First Date

BtVS S7

 



End











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